Heart and mind versus me.


“But this time they were aligned”

Earlier today, I was dwelling on the reasons to live. I thought hard about it, but the weight of sorrow was heavy, that I was blank. I kept on blinking for several minutes, as if by doing that, I would acquire the answers. But, still no avail. I sighed and I thought “If there is no reason to live then there is any need to save myself, it’s pointless I say”. But that was, when my mind jumped in saying “Isn’t saving you a reason to live for? you are not a bad person , and if you want , you could be a productive unit of society”.”How, smarty pants? As if I didn’t give it a shot already” I added cynically, challenging the master of reason. Somewhere inside, a voice spoke saying “Don’t you want to be happy”. With a tone of mockery I said, ”Oh! Both, the master of reason and the master of irrationality, I missed you two, Drinks?”. “You have been here before, but you surfaced and now you are in the same place, how hard can it be? At least you have some wisdom earned over the small number of years you’ve lived. Besides, you are worth saving”, my heart continued, ignoring my attempt to provoke him.

It humored me, the way I myself was establishing obstacles, that my own heart and mind, removed by the slightest force. There was an awkward silence, as if both of them were waiting for me to respond. “ I am my own enemy”, I reflected. “I create a reason to fail when I have the potential to overthrow it” I said softly. “But, I feel dead, like the fire to go on is lit out, every time I fail, I feel like sinking in deeper. Every time I managed to pull few strings of victory, somehow they feel ….tasteless or meaningless, I don’t know”, I said, fiddling with the end of my sleeve. This time I was truly hoping for a reply from either one, but I got none. “Guess it’s not one of those conversations that end with happy optimistic finish lines eh?” and I smiled. I don’t know why I did, but I did smile. It just humors me to find my heart speechless in front of my arguments. I continued walking down the street, with the deafening   sound of silence echoing inside. All of a sudden, a voice said coolly “You are an idiot”.”Oh hello there! Guess who decided to show up, if it’s not the master of realism and reason, with what do I owe the pleasure?” I was amused, in a twisted way. “Didn’t you learn that those who give up their sword in the first few minutes of the fight are those killed first? so what If you are sinking deep..So what if you don’t taste the minute successes that you accomplish over the minute ghosts, those successes are simply a build up to destroy the greatest demons of all. That one you have been struggling to kill “I felt, my mind smiling at the back of my mind. I felt like a complete fool. “Well, the idea of chopping that demon’s head off seem entertaining and very appealing to me at the moment”. “Then, don’t give in your sword soldier” My heart chipped in. “Ah! Heart and mind united together against me that am a turn point in history I must say” I said ironically.” Trying again won’t hurt me I suppose. As a matter of fact, I have no further arguments to urge me to not listen to you”. I smiled not because I was chanting “Die demon Die” in my head, but because hope seemed to accompany me this time. Frankly, that chant had a little to do with my smile after all!

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