Its been a while I have been here. The reason why, is simply summed up in the fact that, writing is the only way I can face myself. Over the last few months, I have gotten used to simple thinking. No more dwelling on the past and no more mid-nights thoughts about what I have done wrong or what I have done right. I stopped thinking because I didn’t want to feel anymore. But writing is different. Writing has its way of intimidating me.
As I said, I stopped writing because I didn’t want to face you. Yet, here I am. It took me a lot of courage to be able to speak out for am a coward when it comes down to facing you. Many mistakes have I done and I just can’t let go. Whenever I think that am almost on the edge of the abyss, that I am almost out, somehow it grows bigger and the edges grow higher. Every time I slip and fall, my heart falls too. It withers away. Poor thing.
Sometimes I think that, I don’t deserve it. As a matter of fact, I sometimes think that my life could be well used by someone else. Someone who would really know to make full use of it and would handle it well. I am tired. I have said this word many times, yet each time it bears a different meaning. This time it means “Am, lifeless”.
Its like I am a dandelion floating in air. The dandelion doesn’t know what to do, should it land on the ground? Or shall it float in space? It doesn’t know and it feels helpless and weak. It just wants to know its orientation in space, where it belongs; yet, it is suspended in air. For how long you may ask? I don’t know.
As I write this, my head clears up. I forgot the fuzzy feeling writing gives me or perhaps, I just miss feeling. Tears have deserted me too. Before, I used to cry like a baby. Now, am merely nothing but a stone hidden behind a façade. To be honest, I feel happy around people that I care about but when am alone, I hate your company. You remind me with what I am. A walking mass of charred black.
I am at a point where I don’t see where am going and I don’t know where am heading. I don’t know whether the weather is foggy or whether my eye is playing tricks on me. I don’t know whether its shinning or that’s just some optical illusion. I don’t know anything and nothing. I will wait here in my spot till I figure you out. I don’t know if I make sense anyway.